Are you enough for yourself?
Do you ever ask yourself that? Or perhaps you don’t put it into words, but you carry a feeling that you’re lacking in some way.
When life is going well, it can be easier to feel comfortable with who we are. We notice what we have, what we can do, and what might still be possible. When things aren’t going so well, our attention can drift towards what’s missing.
Money. Confidence. A relationship. A sense of direction. Something we thought we would have sorted out by now.
At 58, I find it quite easy to notice the “less” side of myself. Less energy in some situations. Less certainty about the future. Perhaps less drive than I once had for chasing things that used to excite me. There are also dreams I’m no longer sure I’ll get around to.
I can be grateful for what I have and still feel those things. And lately, a fairly ordinary hour at work reminded me that what’s missing from my life isn’t the whole story.
Table of Contents
Enough Compared With Whom?
My thing is YouTube. Yours might be Instagram, TikTok, or noticing what friends and family are doing.
Depending on what I’ve been watching, I can find myself surrounded by videos of success. Successful businesses, beautiful homes, new cars, motorcycles, and people who appear to have found both their purpose and the money to enjoy it.
Good for them, really. But I can start watching out of interest and finish wondering why I haven’t managed something similar.
Money and financial stability are things I haven’t really ticked off the list in my own life. At least, not to the degree of being able to skip a monthly paycheck for a while without worrying.
Your measuring stick might be different. You might want better health, a stronger body, a relationship, more confidence, or to feel respected for something you do.
Growing up, I liked listening to Brian Tracy. I appreciated the encouragement to set goals, improve myself, and make something of my life. I still see value in that. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to become better at something, or being inspired by someone who has achieved what you hope to achieve.
But I wonder where healthy encouragement ends and the feeling of never being enough begins.
“Be the best.” “No pain, no gain.” “Become the best version of yourself.”
Fair enough. But does the current version get any credit along the way?
There always seems to be something else to improve, acquire, or prove. Rich enough? Fit enough? Popular enough? Respected enough? Attractive enough? Successful enough? Cool enough?
That’s a lot of enoughs.
And somewhere in all of that, I can forget to ask whose standard I’m trying to meet. Someone else can be doing well without it meaning that I’m doing badly. I know that when I stop and think about it.
Remembering it while looking at a motorcycle I can’t afford in my fifties is another matter.
When Familiar Things Change
I’ve been teaching English in Japan for a long time now. Over the past couple of years, I’ve noticed a change in the energy around the school, and in myself. Some of that may simply come with spending many years in the same environment. But several things have happened that have changed what was familiar.
When my ex-wife, whom I was living with, returned to America, I lost much of the sense of purpose I’d associated with my life in Japan. Truth be told, my mind has been drifting somewhat ever since.
My boss’s husband also passed away, which changed life considerably for her and her family. Our longest-term student, whom I eventually taught at their home, passed away too. And my own mother died this year.
I don’t mention these things to make this a sad story. But they are mile markers of sorts, and part of why I’ve been thinking about this whole “being enough” question at this stage of the journey.
People and routines can become such familiar parts of our lives that we don’t fully notice how much they help us feel settled until something changes. Afterwards, we’re still here, getting on with the day, but perhaps not quite sure what we’re getting on with it for.
You may have experienced something entirely different. A job ending. Children leaving home. A change in your health. Something you chose, or something you certainly didn’t.
For me, these changes have made it easier to dwell on what I no longer have.
Then an ordinary day at work gave me something else to notice.
A Reminder in the Classroom
Yesterday, a new student came to the school for a trial lesson. These lessons give someone the chance to meet the teacher, experience the school, and decide whether it suits them.
During a trial, I usually find myself quite in the zone. I’m listening, getting a feel for the person, and looking for things that will help them. I want them to leave with something useful, whether they join the school or not.
The hour went quickly. There was plenty written on the whiteboard, plenty of opportunity for the student to speak and ask questions, and several practical things they could use in everyday conversation.
Afterwards, they spoke with my boss. They seemed genuinely happy and rather excited to have found somewhere comfortable to learn, with a teacher who suited them.
This is my job, of course.
But their reaction reminded me why I do it, and why I’m actually fairly good at it. For me, teaching has never been only about English ability. It’s about helping someone feel comfortable enough to try. Helping them express what they mean without feeling embarrassed about every mistake.
I enjoy seeing someone realise that they can communicate more than they thought they could.
For that hour, I wasn’t thinking about my age, my bank balance, or whether I’d made enough of my life. I was paying attention to the person in front of me, and I had something useful to offer them.
They weren’t looking for someone with a perfect life. They needed someone who could help them feel more capable in part of their own.
I could do that.
My students don’t need me to own a beautiful house or ride an expensive motorcycle. They need my attention, my experience, and a comfortable place to practise. Those are things I can offer now. I don’t have to wait until the rest of my life is sorted out.
You Don’t Have to Be a Teacher
Your day might look nothing like mine. You might spend it carrying heavy crates rather than helping someone find the right words.
Your physical strength might be what someone needs. Your experience might help a new colleague learn how to do a difficult job safely and well. Perhaps you’re good at fixing things, organising a muddle, or noticing what everyone else has overlooked.
You might be the patient person who explains something again without making someone feel stupid for asking. Or the reliable person who turns up and does what they said they would do.
These things don’t have to be impressive to everyone to matter to someone.
What do people already count on you for?
Outside work, it might be a phone call you make, a practical favour, or taking the time to listen without immediately bringing the conversation back to yourself. Making one person’s afternoon a little easier is a completely valid contribution.
I think it’s worth giving ourselves some credit for that. We sometimes focus on what we lack without considering what we bring to the table.
Helping Isn’t a Test You Have to Pass
There is something I want to be careful about here. I don’t mean that we have to keep making ourselves useful to deserve to feel enough. That would just give us another standard to worry about.
There will be days when we’re tired, unwell, grieving, or struggling to get through our own responsibilities. Days when we need someone else’s patience, strength, or encouragement.
If you’re having one of those days, this isn’t another job for your list. You’re allowed to receive kindness too.
That trial lesson didn’t earn me the right to feel better about myself. It simply reminded me of something I’d been overlooking. Even with the uncertainty in my life, I still had skills, experience, and care that hadn’t disappeared.
And on a day when I have less to give, I’d like to remember that without needing a happy student to prove it.
Wanting More Doesn’t Make You Less
I still want the dream motorcycle, a comfortable car, and a little less worry about money. You probably have your own list.
Some of those things could make a real difference to daily life. Being able to pay the bills without worrying, for example, is hardly asking for an extravagant lifestyle. There’s nothing wrong with wanting things to improve, or being excited about something you hope to have or achieve.
But while we’re working towards those things, people already appreciate what we bring. They ask for our help, enjoy our company, or trust us with something that matters to them.
We can give that some credit while still wanting more.
What Does Enough Look Like to You?
You may be so used to what you do that you barely give it a thought. Something you consider easy might be a real struggle for someone else. What takes you a few minutes could save them a frustrating afternoon.
Or perhaps they just feel comfortable around you. They can ask a question, have a laugh, or talk about something without feeling judged. These things are easy to overlook when our attention is on everything we haven’t achieved.
So, alongside the things you’d like to change, consider what you’d like to keep. The experience you have. The skills you’re glad you learned. The way you treat people. The things others know they can count on you for.
There may be quite a bit there that you wouldn’t want to lose.
What has reminded you that you can be enough?
Related Reads on OldDogZeroTricks
- Redefining Success: Beyond the Paycheque
- The Power of Small Wins: Celebrating Life’s Quiet Triumphs
- Choosing the Life That Fits: Not What You Thought You Wanted
Grant Barker here (aka OldDogZeroTricks). I’m a British expat living in Japan, teaching English, growing vegetables, and writing about aging, purpose, and figuring things out – without the BS.
This blog is where I talk about the stuff most people keep to themselves.
