I imagine that older people will relate to this: In the past few years, several people I knew have died. It reminds me of how quickly the time goes by for us all. There is a point in middle age where you stop being surprised by funeral invitations and start counting the empty chairs instead.
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The Reality of Losing Friends as You Age
I’m 57 now, and things have definitely changed over the years. My longest-term student – an older woman I taught for nearly 20 years – passed away about two years ago. My farming boss’s father. My ex-wife’s mother. My English school boss’s husband. A former student who was older than me. Not to mention two former roommates.
Obviously, not all at once, but I’ve stopped being surprised.
Now, I’m not trying to be morbid or dramatic. This is an aging-related topic for all of us. And I suppose it’s just life. If you live long enough, the chances are that people around you will thin out. And we will too, in time. (Cue `Tears in Rain’ – Blade Runner.)
Have you started noticing more goodbyes than hellos?
People Shape Us
Losing some people affects us more because of how much time we shared with them.
My student who passed – I taught her for almost 20 years. We started in a classroom, and ended with lessons at her home when she couldn’t travel anymore. She’d practice singing church hymns during our lessons, and we shared truths that most people keep private. She trusted me with her thoughts, and I trusted her with mine. It was actually really good for her English.
When someone’s been in your life that long, their absence leaves a mark. Something you don’t feel so much in your younger years (hopefully).
An English school boss’s father died a few years ago. I went to the funeral here in Japan, and shortly after, he asked me if I’d help on the farm. That’s how I transitioned into agricultural work.
My ex-wife’s mother passed maybe three years ago. I attended that funeral too. About five or six months later, my ex left for America. Nothing stays the same forever.
A blind friend of mine seemed to casually pass away by way of email. What I mean is, his roommate emailed me saying: “Ian passed away this weekend while spending time away. Sorry about that.”
I always remembered the `Sorry about that’. As if he’d missed a dinner reservation. Of course, no one is ready for the shock or despair of unexpectedly losing people we care about, and then emailing their friends to tell them.
What Goodbyes Teach Us
Whether we are saying goodbye to the living or to those who have crossed over, we’re reminded to respect the time we have.
When a friend passed, the one I wrote about in my Bible post, I saw a photo of him in the hospital holding a Bible. In all the years I knew him, we never talked about spiritual things. I wonder now if we should have. Maybe there were conversations we missed because we were busier with other stuff.
Things we don’t care much about when we are young can feel precious when the future with someone isn’t guaranteed.
Learning to Simplify Everything
I’ve simplified my life in the past few years. Have you done that too? Letting go of grudges that don’t serve anyone. Stopped chasing things that weren’t so important anymore. I’ve tried focusing on happiness more than work, profit, or ambition. I dress down more because it suits my character and feels comfortable.
Caring less about what other people think. Throwing more stuff away. Stay honest with people. Value balance more. Take more time to dream, and to develop this blog. I pray more – albeit something I’m learning to be more faithful about.
Funerals remind us that we don’t take the baggage with us, so why bother carrying it now?
When you see how finite life is, especially after attending a funeral, you start focusing on what matters.
You start asking: do I care about this? Will this matter in five years? Am I spending time on this because it’s important, or because it’s just what I’ve always done?
What have you stopped caring about as you’ve gotten older?
My Mother
My mum is still alive, but she has severe dementia. She’s in a care home in the UK. I’ll be seeing her soon because I’m moving back to help my dad.
Of course, it really hits home when we notice how time flies with our own parents. This is something I’ve been weighing up in my own mind the past year or so.
Facing Your Own Timeline
I’ve started to think about my own timeline, too. I don’t worry about it. But, at the age of 57, and with moving back to the UK to help my aging father, I’ll be starting what might be one of my last major life chapters.
There’s less future than there used to be. And fewer opportunities to start over or fix things that don’t work out. It reminds you to sharpen your focus and pick your battles.
Has your sense of time changed over the years?
What Do I Want?
I ask myself what I want to do with any time that’s left.
For me, that’s to have a purpose, be relevant, and hopefully serve others. I guess that means helping my Dad, fitting into the community, making something of this blog, and hopefully find peace through faith.
I guess we cannot control how much time we have.
Obviously, watching other people’s chapters close reminds us not to waste ours.
While We’re Still Here
I suppose the funerals will keep coming. Again, it’s not negativity. It’s just aging.
But I’m still here, and so are you.
That means there’s still time to repair conversations, tell people you love them, say thank you, lessen the chance of regret, and make things better.
Of course, we don’t have unlimited time to do this, but if we don’t hang around we might just have enough.
What are your thoughts on Goodbyes?
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