We got divorced over a stupid argument, signed papers like we were going shopping, then went home and kept living together for years. Most divorce stories aren’t like mine, but the grief afterward? That’s universal. For men navigating divorce and still caring about their ex-wives, here’s what living through an amicable split taught me about love, loss, and eventually finding peace.
Table of Contents
When Divorce Happens Without Anyone to Blame
Me and my wife got divorced because neither of us wanted to back down from a silly little argument at home. No screaming. No affairs. No dramatic breaking point. Just two stubborn people who popped down to city hall, signed the paperwork, and had it done in a few hours.
Then we went home and kept living together. For years. As if nothing had changed.
On paper, we were divorced. In practice, we were still a team, the same word we’d used a decade earlier when we sat in a park and asked her young daughter if she wanted us all to live together. That’s how we’d always understood ourselves. Not a traditional family structure, but something uniquely ours.
Most divorces don’t look like this. Yours possibly involved real conflict, betrayal, fighting over money or custody, with clear reasons why staying together became impossible. Maybe you DO hate your ex. Maybe the split was ugly and necessary.
But some divorces happen without anyone to blame. Just two people who couldn’t quite make it work, even when they still cared about each other.
Have you experienced a divorce where nobody was the bad guy?
Why Couples Divorce (Even When They Still Care)
The reasons marriages end are as varied as the people in them. Affairs and betrayal, obviously. Financial stress that never stops. Growing apart until you’re more like roommates than partners. Different life goals that become impossible to reconcile. Dead bedrooms. In-law conflicts. The list goes on.
For us, I think we held each other back. We were both caregivers when we met, working for the same guy, both traveling abroad trying to figure out better lives. She had a daughter to support. I was young, strong, relatively ambitious, and somehow up for a task I didn’t fully understand.
But here’s what I’ve learned about settling: we were probably both waiting to be saved by the other person. Hoping circumstances would come up to make life better, more opportunity, more success or wealth. When you’re in survival mode, just getting by, counting pennies, enduring the daily grind: It’s easy to stop striving for anything beyond making it through another week.
They say surround yourself with people who push you to grow. I don’t think either of us did that for each other. It was more survival and see what happens. We survived, but did we excel? Did we find better versions of ourselves? Probably not.
Maybe you’ve felt this too, that slow realization that staying together means both of you staying small. Or maybe your reasons were completely different. Financial betrayal. Addiction. Someone who stopped trying. A fundamental mismatch you couldn’t see until years in.
What were the warning signs you ignored?
What All Divorces Share (Even the Amicable Ones)
Here’s what I want men navigating divorce to know: even when it’s amicable, even when nobody did anything dramatically wrong, the grief is still real.
After my Japanese wife left Japan and returned to America, completing the circle we’d talked about for twenty years, I cried like I hadn’t cried in decades. Not occasionally. Regularly. The kind of raw, unexpected tears that catch you off guard while washing dishes or watching YouTube.
Seven months of that deep sadness. Eighteen months total of missing her. Time plays tricks on you when you miss someone. Last year feels like yesterday, until one day – it doesn’t.
The daily reminders are everywhere. Every day, I fold my futon and put it in her old room. When I go to the veranda, I pass through that room and still think about her. The squeak of the sliding mosquito screen. Folding clothes and putting them in her cabinet. Washing dishes, making food. Walking back from 7-Eleven with one coffee instead of two.
Almost two years later, these moments still happen. Not with pain anymore, just… noticing. Someone was part of your life and living space for so long that their absence becomes part of the furniture.
Your reminders might be different. Maybe it’s the side of the bed that stays empty. The restaurant you can’t go back to. The routes you avoid. The friends who don’t know what to say. The holidays that hit harder than you expected.
Here’s what I can tell you: you WILL get over it. Not in some neat, predictable timeline, but you will find peace. I’m there now. Completely okay with everything. The broken places healed differently than they were before, but they healed.
What daily reminder catches you off guard?
The Complications of Living Together Post-Divorce
Living together after divorce is… complicated. For me, nothing changed on the surface. We still functioned as a household, still went about our routines. In my heart, nothing had changed. In her heart, maybe enough had changed.
The balance is tricky. Talking too much versus talking too little. Knowing not to talk when someone gets home from work because they need to chill out and switch off. It’s easy to try too hard to fill the silence, but talking too honestly can also be a risk.
The communication balance might be a little more challenging if you come from different cultures.
We were both introverted, content being at home most of the time. To keep a relationship alive, you’re supposed to venture out more, do things together. We went shopping occasionally, but lived on a budget…which most couples will know is kind of a buzzkill.
Looking back, maybe we both held too tightly to practical considerations. I never needed or expected her to cook for me. We worked different hours, so if I came home later, I wouldn’t expect her to cook anyway – after her own workday. For some women, that might be a breath of fresh air. For others, maybe a red flag or disconnect? We didn’t talk about such things.
I spent time on the PC after work. She spent time doing origami for her job at a popular origami culture center. Her work even appears in two official origami books. After her daughter returned to America at eighteen, that PC and origami lifestyle went on for about ten years with just the two of us.
It’s not common for an ex-husband and ex-wife to live together that long. Most people can’t do it. Maybe shouldn’t do it.
If you’re in this situation, still living with your ex because of finances, kids, or just not knowing what else to do…I get it. It might not be easy.
My advice if you’re living alone in the same place? Move out if you can. For a fresh start, for new surroundings, for your own emotional reset.
I stayed because the apartment’s location works for my job, and honestly, maybe I’m a bit of a masochist who respects the discipline of a difficult situation. But for most men, staying in the space you shared for years just adds to the loss and silence.
Have you stayed living with your ex? How did you manage it?
When the Mission Ends and She Leaves
Her green card finally arrived in late 2023. By March 2024, she was gone, back to America, back to her daughter, back to the dream we’d always talked about. We said goodbye with a fist bump in the rain.
Being left behind wasn’t the plan, but there I was. Alone in her country, kind of lost for purpose at the time.
Maybe you’ve felt this too – when the shared goal completes and she moves on without you. When you thought you were part of the next chapter but turns out you were only part of getting there! The impulse to still want to help doesn’t disappear just because the relationship ended. That instinct to make their life easier, to be there when they struggle…it can persist.
For men who still love their ex-wives: I get it. You’re not alone in that. Love doesn’t always stop just because the paperwork says it should.
Do you still want to help your ex even though the relationship ended?
What Carries You Through (And What Comes After)
What helped me? Work, mostly. Farming, teaching English, staying busy enough to get through each day. Finding the balance between processing what I was going through and just getting on with life. I even started this blog, although a few original posts were somewhat self-therapy sessions that I’ve recently had to review.
I make time within my schedule now to talk or walk with others going through their own struggles. Supporting each other matters in these middle-age years. Checking in with yourself matters too, making sure you haven’t let go of work ethics, or showing up for everyone and everything.
The peace eventually comes. Not dramatically, just gradually. One day you realize you’re okay. That the broken places have reorganized themselves into something different but stable.
Some men come out of divorce wanting to find love again. Others feel relieved to be out of the game entirely. Both are fine. There’s no right way to rebuild.
Are you relieved to be out of the game, or searching for love again?
What’s Your Story?
My divorce experience was probably unusual. No drama, no hatred, no fighting over anything. We didn’t even need to split money or possessions. I never even knew her salary. I was simply helping.
Your experience might be completely different. Maybe yours involved real betrayal, custody battles, financial devastation. Maybe you’re thriving now, or maybe you’re still struggling. Maybe you DO hate your ex, or maybe like me, you still care and don’t know what to do with that.
Men need spaces to talk about this stuff. To admit when we’re struggling, when we still love someone who left, when we’re not sure we’ll be okay. Space to share what actually helped versus what we thought should help.
The statistics say roughly half of marriages end in divorce. That’s a lot of men navigating this same territory, often feeling alone in it.
You’re not alone. The grief is real, but so is the peace that comes after. However your divorce looked, whatever complicated feelings you’re carrying about your ex-wife, it’s okay to still be figuring it out.
Share your thoughts below. I respond to every comment, and your experience often helps others more than mine does.
